Poco-Cocoa – Page 103 – Things & Stuff

As the clouds lift
I have been feeling better day by day, and as I feel better, it’s so hard to imagine the dark thoughts I had just a few days ago. It seems like in The Hole, I can’t remember the light; but when the clouds lift, I can’t understand the dark.

I am so grateful for everyone’s kind words, and I am also surprised to find so many others who deal with depression. It’s amazing how similar our thinking is during the dark days. Thank you all for sharing with me – it helps so much to know that I’m not alone. (To those of you who have emailed, I promise I’ll respond soon!)

A few things I’ve done recently that I think have helped a lot:
- Went for a walk with Justin
- Figured out that I need to leave the office at lunch, just to get sunlight and a sense of the real, non-cubicle world
- Started taking a multivitamin, and increasing omega 3 intake
- Forced myself to go to bed before midnight, to try to get enough rest (next step: go to bed before 11pm – ha!)
- Went to Polka Dots just because I wanted a cupcake
- Ate chocolate chip cookies that my sister sent to me
- Went to a holiday party at Icenhauer’s last night, where I had lovely food (from Uchiko!) and talked to lots of friendly people
- Was more open about The Hole, here and with family and friends
- Asked for help
- Started tracking moods and triggers and sleep and such
- Finally got a new iPhone – I had an original, non-3G, old thing that crashed every time I tried to use an app and ran out of juice every few hours, and I was so frustrated with it. I’ve replaced it with an iPhone 4, which is so much fun! I can send/receive photos in text messages! I can multitask! I can take video! (Expect more videos around here in the near future…)
- Ate spaghetti for breakfast
- Looked through old photos of happy times
So, lots of little things, that have all added up to feeling better. Thanks for sticking with me, internets.
December 2, 2010

Everyday Life

musings, Yashica FRII
The things that help

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and emails. The last thing I feel right now is brave, but hearing you all say that makes me feel better. I decided to make a list (because you know I love lists) of things that help, things that make me happy. Above, firepits. Preferably with marshmallows to toast.

My grandma’s quilt. And tights in the winter.

Ladies’ lunches.

Pizza.

Taking walks with my love.

Coffee and doughnuts (preferably a Starbucks mocha and a Mrs. Johnson’s doughnut).

Good food.

Justin’s work face.

Justin’s “Hunchy” face. It’s kind of an impersonation of the Disney version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sometimes he does it really slowly, and I squeal and giggle until full Hunchy is revealed.

Being on the beach.

This Holga photo of Justin. Love, love, love.

Ladies in mustaches. And memories of a fabulous New Year’s Eve, and the most awesome vintage dress ever, thanks to my friend Andy. Just look at it! Lovely pink splendor.

Hawaii.

Kitteh kisses.

The boys at a nerdy Christmas sweater party.

New England in the fall. I cried when I saw my first red leaves in Vermont.

There. Doesn’t everyone feel better now? I know I do.

November 30, 2010

Everyday Life

Canon Rebel T1i, cats, edibles, friends, holga, Justin, Little, me, Roux, Yashica FRII
Music Monday, from The Hole

And just like that, the Thanksgiving holiday is over. How did that happen? Honestly, I had so many plans for this weekend, but I was feeling pretty down, so we just stayed home. We did go to Justin’s parents’ place on Thanksgiving day, and we did get out to watch The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest and eat a few oysters at Perla’s, but other than that, we spent the entire weekend on the couch.

Mostly this was my fault – some of you already know this, but I get sad sometimes. Like really, really sad. I’ve suffered from depression for years, and there are always times of happiness dotted with times of despair. Lately, there has been a lot more despair. I end up in a place I call The Hole – it feels like a dark, deep hole that I may never be able to climb out of. The Hole is numbness, unhappiness, a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. It sucks really bad. Justin does what he can to help me out – taking me for walks (or oysters), holding me and listening to me, wiping away my tears. And usually, after a day or two, I wake up in the morning and the clouds seem to clear, and I feel much better and life goes on. But I’ve been sitting at the bottom of this hole for six days now, and it’s wearing us both down. I don’t really understand how I still have tears left.

Going to work usually helps, because it takes my mind off things and keeps me busy for eight hours. I am hoping that today will be the magic day when the clouds clear.

I don’t usually share this kind of stuff on my little blog, but today I’m giving you the real me. I’m a little nervous about it, really, because I don’t want to be a downer. But I already have to put on my cheery face for work, and I don’t want to have to do that here, too.

I’m listening to these songs to cheer me up. Also, I just like that the band’s name is Starfucker. When I first saw that, I thought of some celestial rock concert, with shooting stars and twirling planets with rings. Then I realized it probably refers to a person who sleeps with celebrities. I like my version better.

Sharon Von Etten – One Day

Starfucker – Holly

Bostitch + Fussible – I Count the Ways

All of the November tunes are up on my 8tracks page. It’s a big playlist this month – I suppose I was needing some good tunes to get met through.

I hope you all had a really great holiday. And I hope we all have a great week. (Crossing fingers)

November 29, 2010

Everyday Life

Canon Rebel T1i, cats, musings, Roux
I am thankful.
I am thankful:
- for a loving, gorgeous, wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I get
- for an understanding, caring, forgiving family who is okay with the fact that I’m the weird one
- for friends who are still friends
- for two beautiful kitty cats, who keep me endlessly busy and entertained
- for my country, my city, my freedom, and those who fought so that I could have these things
- for my home, my warm bed, my health, food on the table and clothes on my back
- for opportunities and creativity
- for delicious food and drinks, and the people who have taught me about them
- for cameras and books and crossword puzzles and glitter and movies and laptops and journals and hairpins and pajamas and chocolate and long walks and breezes and beaches and mountains and trees and autumn and pumpkins and twinkle lights and spaghetti and dreams and Toms shoes and prosecco and cheese and toasted marshmallows and public libraries and scooters and water fountains and nice coworkers and blog readers and having enough.
Happy Thanksgiving, internets. I am thankful for you.
November 24, 2010

Everyday Life

musings, Yashica FRII
music monday

Above: Happy hour at Sago Modern Mexican.

Last night we went to the late showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1, which was fun. It was a bit long and dragged on sometimes, but it’s Harry Potter, so I was okay with it. I fell head-over-heels in love with Fleur’s wedding dress. So gorgeous.

Today my coworker brought a pot of turkey chili and homemade cornbread to share with everyone, just because. How sweet is that? Tonight I’m baking chocolate chip cookies, and I’ll take them to work tomorrow to return the favor. If I don’t eat them all, that is.

I’m not very good at remembering the names of songs and bands. I’m more likely to say, “Hey, what’s the name of that song that sounds like two different songs, and is kind of like a parade?” That would be RR vs. D. Enjoy. 🙂

Au – RR vs. D

Blitzen Trapper – Furr

Ferraby Lionheart – Harry & Bess

November 22, 2010

Music

edibles, restaurants, Yashica FRII

As the clouds lift

The things that help

Music Monday, from The Hole

I am thankful.

music monday