Music Monday, from The Hole

And just like that, the Thanksgiving holiday is over. How did that happen? Honestly, I had so many plans for this weekend, but I was feeling pretty down, so we just stayed home. We did go to Justin’s parents’ place on Thanksgiving day, and we did get out to watch The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest and eat a few oysters at Perla’s, but other than that, we spent the entire weekend on the couch.

Mostly this was my fault – some of you already know this, but I get sad sometimes. Like really, really sad. I’ve suffered from depression for years, and there are always times of happiness dotted with times of despair. Lately, there has been a lot more despair. I end up in a place I call The Hole – it feels like a dark, deep hole that I may never be able to climb out of. The Hole is numbness, unhappiness, a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. It sucks really bad. Justin does what he can to help me out – taking me for walks (or oysters), holding me and listening to me, wiping away my tears. And usually, after a day or two, I wake up in the morning and the clouds seem to clear, and I feel much better and life goes on. But I’ve been sitting at the bottom of this hole for six days now, and it’s wearing us both down. I don’t really understand how I still have tears left.

Going to work usually helps, because it takes my mind off things and keeps me busy for eight hours. I am hoping that today will be the magic day when the clouds clear.

I don’t usually share this kind of stuff on my little blog, but today I’m giving you the real me. I’m a little nervous about it, really, because I don’t want to be a downer. But I already have to put on my cheery face for work, and I don’t want to have to do that here, too.

I’m listening to these songs to cheer me up. Also, I just like that the band’s name is Starfucker. When I first saw that, I thought of some celestial rock concert, with shooting stars and twirling planets with rings. Then I realized it probably refers to a person who sleeps with celebrities. I like my version better.

Sharon Von Etten – One Day

Starfucker – Holly

Bostitch + Fussible – I Count the Ways

All of the November tunes are up on my 8tracks page. It’s a big playlist this month – I suppose I was needing some good tunes to get met through.

I hope you all had a really great holiday. And I hope we all have a great week. (Crossing fingers)

12 thoughts on “Music Monday, from The Hole

  1. KimW

    Crystal, you’re such a beautiful, creative, inspiring person– thanks for sharing your life with us, even the down times. I’m thinking about you and hope you have a good week.

    Reply
  2. Andy

    I also appreciate the honest approach to your ups and downs. So many people live with depression and it is brave of you to talk about it. You live your life with honesty and integrity, which is rare. So glad to have you as part of my life!
    I will be in the office briefly tomorrow for a 9:30 meeting with Onion. I will pop my head in to say hello.

    Reply
  3. Wei-Wei

    I think we all happen to be in the Hole sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with being in the Hole, but when it gets too dark, just remember that you can always create your own Ball of Light. (Remember that?) I hope you get better, love. You’ve always got Justin to talk to, and tears will eventually stop. I’m here for you!

    Reply
  4. anya

    The good and not so good stuff are all part of real life. Thanks for sharing them and allowing your space here to be real. Sending thoughts of cheer and goodness.

    Reply
  5. Terrah

    I love and appreciate your honesty as well. I also deal with these same feelings… it is hard. Terribly hard to have a heavy heart and mind, but my thoughts are with you. Keep your head up.

    Reply
  6. Nicole

    Crystal–I totally understand what you’re talking about because I feel like I’ve been going through that lately as well and it scares me because I’ve never experienced anything like it. I’ll go through spells where I really don’t want to do anything–can’t think of what to read or watch or listen to or anything–even though I have so much that I could do. It’s like I’d rather just lay around and sleep. It’s like I just feel like there’s something missing, but I honestly can’t think of that. I love my life (just as I’m sure you do) and I feel so grateful for all of the luck that I’ve had. But it’s like sometimes, in that dark moment, none of that greatness matters and really, rationality doesn’t help either because it just makes you feel worse. It’s like, yes, I know I’m being irrationally sad right now, but it’s all I can do for some reason. I just try to remind myself that this is my only life and try to tell myself silly things like, “This is the only November 30, 2010 I’ll ever experience, so I better make it a good one”. But to be honest, that backfires sometimes too because sometimes it puts too much pressure on me to be my best self at all times no matter what. In the end, I guess it’s at least good that people like you and me can talk about stuff like this. There’s a lot of other people who just hide it and end up feeling worse. And it doesn’t help to have awesomely understanding husbands or good food to cheer us up either!

    Reply

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